Scrambled Pancake Shame

Reminder: On Mondays, we’re fasting and praying. We’re asking God to move and bring about marriage for those who desire it. In our prayers, we praying for God embolden men to be leaders: in churches, homes, and relationships. We are also asking that the Holy Spirit would be working in the hearts of women to soften their hearts and transform them into the image of Christ.

So, I was sick for several days in October. It was one of those colds that comes in out of nowhere and just destroys your plans. For some reason, whenever I get that sort of cold, I always want pancakes.

Silly me. I tried a new pancake recipe that was a lot thicker than my other pancake recipe, and long story short, I had scrambled pancakes for dinner.

As I was scraping the pancakes off the pan, I was overwhelmed with this sense of shame.

You’re not a homemaker.

Despite the syrup-y goodness, I nearly cried. In that moment, I was in very real danger of believing Satan’s lie that my lack of a nuclear-family home has any bearing on my value as a child of God or even my value as a woman.

Often, tied up in my desire for marriage, I have also bundled my femininity, my beauty, and my homemaking ability. So, in my illogical, warped brain… if I’m not married: I’m not feminine, not beautiful, and not at home. The pancake incident shed light on a dark corner of my heart. I feel a degree of shame about my untested homemaking skills, and my shame causes my mind to spiral into a whirlwind of shame-driven doubts about… well, me.

I’m ashamed that I can’t make amazing pancakes, and then, it gets worse. I’m ashamed of my shame—meaning I’m embarrassed that as an educated, liberated, millennial woman, I still want to make a home for a man and our children. And, further down the hole still—I’m deeply ashamed that I haven’t been able to “make it happen.”

Yes. Some of that baggage is cultural, but honestly, a lot of it is a consequence of believing lies.  Satan is the author of lies, and there are many that may trap you.

Here’s my quagmire:

Lie #1: I’m not married because I’m not feminine.
Truth: God has made me a woman. I am inherently feminine.
Regardless of my ability to put together a cute outfit, maintain an adequate hip-to-waist ratio, or keep my Brooke Shields eyebrows in place—God has made me a woman and feminine.

Lie #2: I’m not married because I’m unlovable.
Truth: God has created me with the capacity to love and be loved.
Despite my sin, God loves me. In His grace, He grows in me a desire to love Him. Married or unmarried, I can love others in a tangible and life-affirming way. And, through God’s mercy, I can be loved in return.

Lie #3: I’m not married because I’m unable to create a home.
Truth: Christ has given us everything we need for godliness and LIFE.
I can fret and worry about my lack of culinary skills, my questionable decorating eye, and my often not-hospitable heart. Jesus hasn’t promised to make me a perfect homemaker, but He has promised that through His death, burial, and resurrection—I have all I need to live my earthly life.

Remember as you pray—you are abundantly loved.

Blessings,
Anna

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26 Responses to Scrambled Pancake Shame

  1. Amy Mock says:

    Hey, I came to this blog through one of Anna’s friends (PG’s mom) and I have been so abundantly blessed, even though I’ve only made it back this far! This post whacked me upside the head. I find that I’m ashamed of even TRYING to be feminine, lovable, or a home-maker since no man has yet asked me to be. You beat one lie, you find another. 🙂 Thanks for being honest and, in a way, holding us all accountable and reminding us to rise above our more pathetic moments. I’ve come a long way in this area over the past few years but these posts affirm where I’m thinking right (helpful) and point out where I’m letting lies back in. Brilliant.

  2. Livs says:

    Hello Anna,
    The timing was perfect.. I went out on Saturday night with all my “married friends” for dinner… Upon my return had such a horrible conversation with God. I wanted to “break up” with God. As I travelled was home on Monday, I asked God the reason for me being in this position, the reason for seeming to have a mediocre life, mediocre job, no husband. By this time I was angry. But thank God, for another day, another opportunity.
    I woke up with the song: ” Jesus is all the world to me, my Life, my Joy, my all”..
    Who else can we put our trust in? He is Marvelous and worthy, and he will make everything beautiful….

  3. Gretchen says:

    Thank you for this. I had never really connected a lot of my “singleness struggles” with shame until recently. Your post pointed out more ways that these feelings are rooted in shame, and also emphasized the truth that combats them. It was helpful today when, during my beginner language class, I had to give a presentation on my family. I showed a photo of my mother, siblings, their spouses and kids and me and explained about them. When the outspoken 20-year-old girl in the front row said “Where’s your husband?” I was able to focus on coming up with the right foreign language words to say “I don’t have one” and not get all upset that she had just called huge attention to my late 30’s singleness in front of the whole class!

    • fast. pray. says:

      Wow. I’ve so had situations similar to that. And, I hadn’t really connected a lot of my “singleness issues” to shame until recently either. I feel like it makes it easier to combat on some level– not that it’s easy– but that I’m able to specifically speak truth into my heart that I have nothing to be ashamed of in Christ. (And, neither to do you!)

      –Anna

  4. LB says:

    Your post was perfect timing. I wrestled with shame a lot this weekend–shame that at my age I am not married, no kids, and living with roommates. Thank you for sharing truth to combat such lies.

  5. Kara says:

    Anna, thank you so much for your post. I needed this reminder as I have recently left a career and feel so lost. I am found by God, not a husband or children, and He is all I really need. I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. Please keep writing for us.

    • fast. pray. says:

      I’m so glad God can use my words. I am in the midst of a job search, and it’s been frustrating that I can’t seem to “get a job” or a “date.” Really, its up it God, and I’m glad He’s able to meet me–and all of us where we are! –Anna

  6. amy_s. says:

    What a timely post…I, too, have been struck by my lack of “home-making skills” recently and the aftermath of doubt that comes with it! My mom – the epitome of loving home-maker, mother, wife, and friend – passed away last month, and in addition to dealing with the large void that has created, I am confronted on a daily basis by my lack of skill in these areas…specifically, as I try to make sure that my dad has some healthy meals mixed in with his bacon sandwich and hamburger meal plan 🙂 I am no Betty Crocker, and this has definitely made me question whether I’m “ready” to be a wife, even if the right man crossed my path. Case in point, yesterday, I planned to make my mom’s chili for my dad, as he was coming home from a weekend out of town. I loaded up my car with my crock-pot (never used, mind you), and all the necessary groceries. Well, upon opening up my car door at my dad’s house, out falls the crockpot right onto the driveway, leaving in its wake a huge bruise on my leg, a cut foot, and a HUGE mess of thousands of little shards and slivers of glass. As I vacillated between laughter and tears on my way to Target to buy a brand new crock-pot, I landed on both the perceived reality that this kind of thing would never happen to my mom, but also that it’s these sorts of situations that someone, someday will hopefully be right there laughing with me, shaking their head saying “I love this imperfect woman”! Thank you for reminding me that God has it all planned out, and that while he will not make all us perfect chefs and home-makers, he has already made us perfect, and that is enough!

  7. Jeannie says:

    This is beautiful. Thanks for your honest sharing. It’s so liberating!

  8. Jen says:

    Anna, I can totally relate to this. So often, I get enveloped in shame and I don’t know even know which way to turn with it – I’m not a great cook, and my room isn’t spotless all the time. Thank you for reminding us of the lies vs. truth :).

  9. Becca says:

    This was exactly what I needed this week! On Saturday night I sat on my floor sobbing after throwing out my 3rd batch of failed cornbread (that I was making for a chili potluck at church on Sunday). My tears had far less to do with burnt cornbread than with feelings of inadequacy as a single female who was unfit to be a wife. It was everything you described. The timing of this post was absolutely perfect. Thank you!

  10. smvernalis says:

    Great words, Anna. Way to fight the lies! Blessings as you fast today!

  11. Andrea says:

    Thank you. I especially needed the lies/truths section.

  12. Kathleen McCarty says:

    Or how about…”I’m not an adult yet…I haven’t accrued the needed number of points through marriage/childbearing yet to be fully card-carrying…(though in my late 30s)”  Oh, if I’d just remember I am to grow up in Him!  He has grown me up in so many ways throughout my whole life by His kindness, providence, sovereignty and grace (and will all the way to heaven!!)  Thanks for encouraging us toward the truth, Anna!   (By the way, something resembling scrambled pancakes was invented and served in the royal courts of Austria—and it is yummy! “Kaiserschmarrn.”) 

    ________________________________

    • fast. pray. says:

      Haha. Yep. That’s definitely on my list too. Satan doesn’t want us to “feel” adult. When really, it’s just as you said growing in grace. (I’m glad to know I made some Austrian delicacy. ;)) So glad you’re here on the journey. ❤ — Anna

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