My Plan B is God’s Plan A

On Mondays, we fast and pray during lunch, asking God to raise up men as leaders in the church and in marriage, to change our hearts and make us more like Christ, and to bring marriage to those who desire it.

About a year ago, after numerous conversations and encouragement from friends, I decided to take the plunge and venture into the world of online dating.

My goal was to go out on a few dates to feel like a woman again. Years of dateless-ness had turned me from an online-dating skeptic (“I’ll go online only if I’m over 35 and still single”) into thinking it could at least help me feel like I had somewhat of a dating life. Going through a few awkward first dates would help prepare me for meeting my future husband, who, as I told God, I would meet 1) through mutual friends, 2) at church, or 3) through having that random, instant eye-lock connection where we know we are meant for each other.

God had other plans.

I met my boyfriend online. On my first date.

And that’s hard for me to admit.

When I tell people that I met my boyfriend online, I feel that I am revealing one of my deepest vulnerabilities – my struggle with singleness. Because online dating represented that “last resort” to me, I automatically assume people are thinking I was desperate with some major flaws and turned to the Internet where I could hide my flaws.

My parents’ reactions didn’t help my insecurities.

My dad immediately wanted to do a background check on my boyfriend, and my mom texted me a while after I told them about the guy I was seeing that she was watching a movie about the old west and realized that online dating is this century’s version of mail order brides.

I’ve struggled with surrendering to God my dreams and plans for my love story. I’ve struggled with feeling guilty about not appreciating as much as I feel I should appreciate the fact that God brought someone into my life because He didn’t do it in a way that I wanted. This is still a work in progress of Him changing my heart and not letting my pride lessen the blessing He has given me.

I haven’t shared about my relationship on Fast.Pray. up until this point because I was afraid I would lose some of my singleness “street cred” and not be as effective as a writer. I wasn’t sure how to share my insecurities about meeting my boyfriend online without sounding ungrateful and whiny and alienating all of you.

However, the other writers encouraged me to share (when I was ready) because they pointed out to me the big picture in all this that I was missing.

Being in a relationship hasn’t taken away my feeling of shame about my singleness. Being in a relationship hasn’t taken away my personal insecurities. Being in a relationship hasn’t diminished my need for weekly prayer and fasting for God to raise up godly men who are leaders and for God to change my heart where it needs to be changed (and there is oh-so-much He needs to change in me!). Only God can do this.

My prayer as I share my story is that you will be encouraged that God is answering our weekly fast.pray. prayers in my life and in the lives of other members of our fast.pray. community (thank you to those of you who have shared your stories via comments on posts and emails – they are a blessing for us to read!).

Be reminded (and warned!) that God’s ways are not our ways, nor His thoughts our thoughts (Isaiah 55:8-9). Pray this week with earnest expectation for answered prayer to our God “who is able, through His mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20 NLT).

In Him,

Emily

The Quiet Life

On Mondays, we pray for marriages for those that desire them. We pray for men– that they would be walking in the Spirit–into leadership roles in relationships and the church. We also pray for women–that we would be unafraid to change and grow in whatever ways the Lord has for us. 

A few weeks ago, I was sitting underneath lovely cherry blossoms having a picnic with a few of my friends, and the subject of the blog came up. One of them suggested that we might need to lighten up once in a while. Haha. I agreed. I definitely need to laugh–even in the serious corners of my life, and I don’t always reflect that in my writing here.

I was all prepared to do a top-ten single-life favorites or top-ten hilarious anecdotes of the past month (I locked my keys and my cellphone in my house on my way to work more than once in the last few weeks), but life happens sometimes.

My grandmother passed away on Saturday morning, and I think I’ll come back to my original idea later. I was reflecting on her life, her work, and her heart– and 1 Thessalonians 4 popped into my head:

¹¹ Make it your goal to live a quiet life, minding your own business and working with your hands, just as we instructed you before. ¹² Then people who are not Christians will respect the way you live, and you will not need to depend on others.

My sweet grandmother lived just such a quiet life–she was positive and upbeat. She enjoyed silly songs and brightening the lives of everyone who came in contact with her.

Was her life perfect? Far from it. She lived lean times with five children on a reporter’s salary, but whatever disappointments or hard times came, she lived 1 Thessalonians 4:11. And the result? She was deeply satisfied with her life.

I live anything but a quiet life. I’m afraid of quiet because I think I’ll be lonely, that I’ll be bored, and that it will dissolve into my becoming a crazy cat lady.

There are a few things that stand out to me from Paul’s advice in that verse.

1. Goal: Stay quiet–not keep busy. Mary, not Martha. 
   I look at my schedule as a thing to fill–not a thing to keep free. Obviously, I’m not advocating doing nothing, but doing fewer things well–rather than many things poorly. Eat well, sleep well, love those around you well. 
2. Focus: You and Jesus–not you and every other person, task, and duty in the world.
   The goal is not getting married nor worrying about every iota of my life and my friends’ lives, but to just wake up every morning, focused on what Jesus has for me today. 
3. Work: Do things in your reach–not everything everywhere. 
   If you’re like me, you overbook yourself constantly and feel drained because you can’t keep all the plates spinning. God hasn’t given us over to constant stress or a modern, Facebook Newsfeed life-style. He wants you to do what you can and leave Him the rest. Find a ministry you love and are gifted in, and do it. 

Live quietly this week, knowing that Jesus is taking care of you (and the rest of the world too.)

Love,
Anna
He existed before anything else, and he holds all creation together. Colossians 1:17

Clothed Like A Lily

A few months ago, we heard from Michelle as a guest writer. She’s now going to be blogging for us on a regular basis. Click here to read her bio. We’re so glad you’re here, Michelle.  – Anna 

On Mondays, we pray for marriages for those that desire them, for God to raise up men to be leaders, and for women to be unafraid of change. 

I have never mastered walking in a pair of heeled pointy-toe mules. Heels in general are a challenge at times. Several years ago I was wearing cuffed flared trousers with a pair of sling back heels. You can probably guess what transpired as I walked across the stone parking lot. The heel of the left shoe got caught in the cuff of the right leg sending my body propelling towards the ground. With my purse in one hand and car keys in the other my split second decision was to save the trousers from knee holes by throwing my purse and keys (at least 10 feet) to catch my fall. I managed to save the knees and trousers, but spent the next 15 minutes digging gravel out of my hands. Never again have I worn heels with cuffed pants.

The progression of fashion hazards continues to the most embarrassing. I’m standing in the lobby of church chatting with parents and volunteers of the youth ministry and notice a slimy substance in my finger nails. I clean my nails off and seconds later the substance is back. I investigate further and discover a large patch of “wetness” on the lower left side of my stomach causing the t-shirt to stick to my skin. Why no one noticed or bothered to tell me about this dark patch on my red t-shirt, I’ll never know. I believe I said something like, “What did I get on my shirt?” and excused myself into my office to investigate. I lifted my shirt only to notice the oily substance was trickling down my stomach and had reached my jeans. I had sprung a leak! I discovered that fateful day, water bras have a major flaw… they leak without warning. So much for a little padding, guess what else I have sworn off wearing?

There is a verse in Song of Solomon that always strikes me when I read through the book, and not the verse you would think. It’s tucked into chapter 1; the future queen is telling the king “Don’t stare at me because I am dark…” She’s tan and feeling insecure? This doesn’t compute in our “get me to the beach or I’ll fake bake” society. At that time, skin untouched by the sun was considered beautiful and an indication of wealth, meaning the woman didn’t have to work in the sun-scorching fields. A few verses before this, other young maidens are telling the king how hot he is and the future queen is suddenly not feeling very pretty. Her brothers made her work in the fields, darkening her skin, and we find her questioning her beauty.

Why is our search for the feeling of beauty so fleeting? Each month my Lucky magazine tells me how out of fashion I am. My wardrobe malfunctions remind me just how ridiculous the pursuit of beauty can be, yet the desire to be beautiful continues to compel me towards the next trend. However, the Bible has a completely different picture of beauty.

Proverbs 31:30 tells us that beauty does not last; fearing the Lord is to be praised.

1 Peter 3:3-5 “Don’t be concerned about the outward beauty of fancy hairstyles, expensive, jewelry, or beautiful clothes. You should clothe yourselves instead with the beauty that comes from within, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is so precious to God. This is how the holy women of old made themselves beautiful.”

Matthew 6:28 “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are.”

It can be easy to believe the reason we are single is because we somehow missed the beauty mark. But God wants to tell you… You are BEAUTIFUL and it has nothing to do with the attention of a man or the perfect outfit.

Happy to join the writing team!

Michelle

Leah’s Youngest Son

On Mondays we fast and pray for God-driven change: for men to lead, for women to soften, and for marriages to be given those who desire them.

I have this idea that I can listen to podcasts while I do other small jobs at home.  It never works.  I either stop listening to the podcast or am so immersed in listening that I forget what I was supposed to be doing.  So thirty-five minutes later, I find myself sitting on my bedroom floor confused as to why I have Windex and paper towels in my hand.  #springcleaning

I had the latter response to Tim Keller’s The Struggle for Love podcast. It’s an old sermon but it was so good to hear it.  The classic story of Jacob, Leah and Rachel has so many angles and applications, but I think Keller’s sermon is particularly relevant for us as single women.

One of his most interesting points was the progression in the names Leah gives her sons. See the whole story in Genesis 29.  I had never stopped to look at all the names next to one another but I was struck by how honest she is:

• Reuben: “Because the Lord has looked upon my affliction; for now my husband will love me.”
• Simeon: “Because the Lord has heard that I am hated, he has given me this son also.”
• Levi: “Now this time my husband will be attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.”
• Judah: “This time I will praise the Lord.”

And Keller makes the point that the Lord is gradually redeeming Leah’s heart over the course of having these sons.  When she finally gets to Judah (who, incidentally, is in the Messianic line), she is making no mention of the husband whose approval she so desperately craved.  She is simply saying that this time there is praise and it is for the Lord.

I often feel that these years of singleness and dating and the weddings of my friends/family are a giant cycle.  And at the end of each cycle, I’m still confused, still disappointed, still selfish, still unseen, still struggling for direction, still single. So I start the cycle again, hoping that this time something will actually happen so that it ends differently this time. When I view my life that way, I wonder if I am actually being Leah with her earlier children. I am effectively saying “Now!  Finally! This new circumstance will surely change my reality! I can live my life fully and with zest and with purpose and with closure.”

Of course that’s a grand lie, but it’s a powerful one because it tells me that cosmic soul-level certainty is only one diamond ring away. It’s not.  Cosmic certainty is Jesus Christ crucified and risen and returning.  That is the only circumstance that allows us to live in freedom and forgiveness.  So this Monday at lunch, I think my new catchphrase is going to be, “This time, I will praise the Lord.”

Here’s to Mondays full of freedom and praise and a half-cleaned house (oops),

Amy

Laboring in Vain

On Mondays, we pray and fast during lunch, asking God to raise up men as leaders in the church and in marriage, to change our hearts and make us more like Christ, and to bring marriage to those that desire it.

One thing I appreciate about my pastor is that he tries to touch base with every member of our church and offers to meet with us to talk and pray through any situations we may be experiencing. We’re a small church, but still, that’s a big time commitment.

Usually, my conversations with him revolve around singleness. Once, when I was complaining about how busy I was going out with friends, putting myself in situations where I might meet someone, and even contemplating changing churches to find a church with more single guys, he challenged me with this thought:

“Emily, your actions suggest that you feel that finding a husband is dependent upon the things you do, and this is going to carry over into your marriage someday. You are going to feel that keeping your marriage together and happy is dependent solely on you, not God, not your husband. Do you want that full responsibility, or are you going to trust God to work?”

Ouch.

My pastor wasn’t telling me to stay at home, sitting around twiddling my thumbs, realistically expecting God to drop a husband in my lap, but he did challenge me to re-evaluate my faith in God’s plan and provision for my life. I realized that the pressure I was putting on myself to do and be everything in order to attract someone wasn’t sustainable as a single, let alone in a marriage. Relying on my own strength and savvy was setting me up for disappointment and burn out and growing bad habits that would hurt my future marriage.

When I think about the three themes around which we fast and pray, these are areas where we have to let God lead. I have no power to save and work in the hearts of men and prompt them to lead in marriage. Left under my control, my heart would continue in its deceitful and selfish ways. And, unless God builds my house, I’m laboring in vain.

It’s both freeing and frustrating for a Type A like me to realize the truth of fact that no “wisdom, no insight, no plan” of mine (including finding a husband) can succeed if it’s not of the Lord (Proverbs 21:30).

The past couple of weeks, Amy and Anna have challenged us to trust God with our life stories and to view our lives as testimonies of God’s grace and goodness. This week as we fast and pray, let’s praise God that He’s the Author of our stories. That He’s sovereign over all areas of life (whether we are single or married) and sovereign in working in the lives of others. Let’s pray that we allow Him to work, protecting our hearts from destructive habits and thoughts, as we seek to walk each day in obedience by faith.

Journeying with you,

Emily

Owning Your Story

On Mondays, we pray and fast for lunch—asking God to raise up men to walk upright into marriage, for God to change our hearts and make us more like Christ, and to give the gift of marriage to those that desire it.

For sometime now, I’ve been meditating on what it means to be single in the kingdom of God, what our role as single women looks like as we live out in real-time the church waiting for her groom, and how as single women we can be a source of encouragement for our married brothers and sisters in Christ.

Amy wrote last week that our stories don’t really fit a stereotypical mold, and as we walk forward, it still might not make sense—but we’re called to trust God.

What does that macro-level trust look like?  If I really trust that God’s got control over the various chapters in my life, then I should have no trouble putting my name on it. I should have no trouble telling it. But, I do. I have huge issues when it comes to owning my story as it is now. I want to wait until it has some cool ending with a recognizable theme and maybe a song.  

I want my story to blend in, but maybe God wants it to stand out. He’s made your story different, and it’s time to own it.

Your life is radical. Sometimes, you might hear a sermon on how we’re all supposed to be living radical lives for Christ. My mind immediately jumps to shaving my head and twirling around in public in a long woven skirt shouting a psalm, but for obvious reasons, that makes me cringe inside. But here’s the truth. If you are living a (albeit imperfectly) celibate, purity-minded lifestyle, you are a radical for Christ. When given the opportunity to tell anyone that I’m celibate, I hide. Maybe, if I owned my radical status, God might use that off-chance conversation to spark spiritual interest in someone else.

Your wait is astonishing. If we hold fast to the Word (not letting Satan beat us with the shame-stick), your life of waiting both for an earthly spouse and for the wedding feast of the Lamb is paradigm-altering. Satan wants single women to be so consumed by our un-chosen, barren, same-name lives that we can’t boast with Paul about our weakness. Jesus wants you to remember and be proud that you’ve been fought for, filled, and given a new name that you can’t even explain.

Your hope is secure.  As unmarried women, we occupy a somewhat vulnerable position in the world both physically and financially. We have to be able to “take care of ourselves.” That idea freaks me out, and I’m really quite good at hiding it. But maybe, I’m not supposed to. Your radical and astonishing life walking between vulnerability and ultimate secure hope makes your story worth telling as is.

Your life and story are a profound encouragement and testimony of God’s grace and goodness—especially because “it doesn’t make sense.” God delights those stories because they have endings no one expected.

He owns your story. You should to.

Blessings,
Anna

Stories that Make Sense

Mondays: we fast and pray together for marriage for those who desire it, for godly men to be leaders in relationships and in the church, and for the Lord to soften and turn our hearts toward Him.

I always find it somewhat annoying when a well-intentioned married person tells me their spouse/marriage story in such a way that implies there is something I just need to do (or stop doing) and then I’ll get married.  ”Just stop looking.  That’s when you’ll find it.  That’s what happened to me.”  ”Just have fun!” “Once I put myself out there…” or “Once I decided to take a step back from dating…”

As if there is some magical action I need to take or magical thought I need to think, and then my story will make as much sense as theirs.  It’s not that I don’t like their story.  It’s that they tell it with such ease and it inevitably concludes with a happy ending.   They seem to be saying that when they reflect on their singleness, everything now makes sense in context of how it directed them to or prepared them for their eventual spouse.  All the other relationships and seasons of spiritual growth and ordained timing added up to a good spouse.

And I just find this all a bit odd.  I mean, I look back on my singleness thus far and see almost nothing that makes sense.  I see relational missteps, hours of counseling, way too many dating advice books, trying not to be angry at weddings, some really tragic dating stories, some really great dating stories, painful and less-painful breakups, regret, longing, cyclical disappointment and severe growth at the cost of my hoped-for life.  And none of this has led me to a spouse…so is my story somehow permanently less valid?

I think there are several lies inherent in this line of storytelling and in my reaction:

Lie: Our primary story is the story of how we meet our spouse.  Nope.  The spouse story might be a chapter in the broader story, but it’s not the point.  Our primary story is really Easter morning: that God himself bridged the chasm with sinful humanity, suffered in our place, conquered death and rose to live for us, with us, in us.  That He has redeemed us, is sanctifying us, and is coming back for us.  My story is not really about me – it’s about Him.

Lie: Because I can’t put the pieces together of my strange life, my story is not worth telling.  I often feel like I’m waiting to tell my singleness story when it makes sense.  Currently, it makes zero sense. I mean, who in their right mind wants to admit to being almost 30, celibate, single, longing for marriage, and all in a public forum?  Oh right. Apparently me.  I take comfort from Jesus instructing the demon-possessed man in the Gerasenes (whose story probably didn’t make sense either): “Return to your home, and declare how much God has done for you.”  Our stories don’t have to make sense to us to reflect God’s provision and grace to us.

Lie: We know where the story goes from here.  Like most chick flicks, couples often stop telling their “story” at their wedding day.  The reality (married folks, correct me here if I’m mistaken) is that on their wedding day, they had no idea what they were getting into with the whole marriage business.  Even good married life is full of unmet expectations, suffering, longing, and frustration at circumstances which one wishes could be changed.  Which sounds oddly a lot like singleness.

It’s easy for me to tell myself that I know where this life goes next (“I will now become the unmarried older sister who is too career-oriented.  Next I will be the unexplainably single aunt for my nieces and nephews. Lastly, I will become that lady with too many houseplants, cats and a Netflix queue full of PBS.  Great!  I can’t wait.”)  The truth is that I have no idea what my singleness holds any more than a couple on their wedding day knows what their marriage will hold.

Letting God write a bigger story for us means we don’t know what will happen and it will probably not make sense for most of the time.  But that puts us exactly where we need to be: trusting God anew.

By His Grace,

Amy